Things I Wish You Knew About Who I Am Now

  • I no longer deny who I am.
  • I know that the way I showed my love to you was sometimes unhealthy and damaging to the both of us.
  • I’m thankful for what you represent in my life, representation that will last forever and be unchanged.
  • I’m grateful that you were always sure of who you were and that you stood by me as I uncovered that part of myself I tried to repress.
  • I ended up getting a guitar like I gushed to you about wanting. I got it two years after we broke up. It’s ironic to me considering you play bass.
  • I cut off my long hair, the hair that you loved. It’s only down to my shoulders now, but I feel that you’d like it better this way.
  • I ended up going to therapy. It was a highly beneficial experience for me for many reasons. As I think about it now, I understand why you changed so much after going.
  • I still read vicariously. My book collection is quite impressive, author-wise. It’s funny, I was starting to get into classics right when we broke up, and now my collection is 80% classics. Dickens, Austen, Poe, Brontë…
  • There’s not a single person I knew back then that I still talk to. I meant it when I said I hated almost everyone we knew, or that I wouldn’t have talked to them had I not been introduced to them all that fateful day.
  • I’m still so proud of you for getting help with your, shall I say, habits.
  • My taste in music is radically different. After we split, I couldn’t listen to any of what I did when we were together. I ended up discovering Jeff Buckley, who I cried to for the longest time because he made me think of you. It’s funny how my music collection has changed. Sometimes, when I imagine talking to you again, I chuckle a bit when I think of how what your reaction would be like when you find out I obsess over Elvis Presley.
  • I’ve almost called you 1,000 times. I still remember your phone number.
  • I still write. You of all people know how much I love to do that, I think you’d be happy to know that I love it even more than I did back then. I almost went to Columbia (Chicago) for writing, but decided against it.
  • I ended up moving back to Wisconsin for about a year. I spent most of the time hating myself for fighting with you over missing living there. I fucking hate Wisconsin.
  • I long to pack up my car and drive west. I’ve said it many times to many people, but living in Colorado is my be-all, end-all. I’d like you to know that too.
  • I almost joined the Army. I was one meeting away from being enlisted.
  • I ended up watching Skins UK, that show you were in love with. It’s pretty damn obvious that I was Naomi and you were Emily, like scarily obvious and totally not okay. Cassie reminded me of you, and Effy was who I wanted to be while Cook was who I acted like a lot of the time.
  • There’s so, so much I regret about our time together, but I have to be realistic and know that it was all for a reason and that if we were meant to be together, we would be. So I put those feelings away and move on.
  • There’s a lot that I wish you knew, too much to put down at once. I guess it all comes down to this:

I didn’t know who I was back then. I was wrestling with myself every day of my life. I hated myself, I pushed certain desires down so far that they were eating me alive, and yet I acted like I wasn’t ashamed of who I was. Everything between then and now has been about understanding who I am, understanding what I was and what I want to be. I’ve moved so much closer to what I guess could be called enlightenment (that sounds so pretentious), and during this endless move, I’ve completely understood what I could have done better for my worldview, and for the sake of us. Most of it comes down to cowardice and denial being, not defeated, but managed.

I don’t blame myself for the way I handled a lot of things as I did what I felt was right, what my mindset at the time was capable of. Obviously I would do things differently now, but I refuse to let myself think about what if’s. “What if?” almost killed me. And anyways, our story would be different and it wouldn’t be the story of us. The story of us includes scandal, firsts, missteps, misguided steps, repression, depression, love, lust, music, madness, but most of all, learning, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.


Author: celestialpersuasion

I am a proud Chicagoan who loves art and who enjoys talking with others. I started this blog to share my work, things that make me feel something, and to find people who like the same types of things I do.

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